Archive for February, 2006
In Gay Years I’m Almost Elizabeth Taylor’s Age
Elizabeth Taylor and I are one year older today. We have a lot in common you know. People see us both as glamorous, graced with good looks, charm and wit. Liz and I even shared a room at Betty Ford. We weren’t there at the same time, but it was the same room, that counts right? Yeah, okay now back to reality. Neither of us listen to advice, how else could you explain Larry Fortensky? We believe strongly in Aids research(support your local Step Study). Over the years we’ve learned what people think of us doesn’t matter. Oh and we even both had the hots for Richard Burton. God, I hope I don’t end up with that many ex-husbands!
Either way, I hope I can age as gracefully as she has. Chronologically I’m only 28 but there‘s always my age in gay years to consider. For those of you unfamiliar with gay years they’re like dog years, just more fabulous, unless you‘re into that and then they‘re just like dog years. The common misconception is that it’s 7 dog years for every human year. According to experts it’s closer to 10.5 dog years per human year for the first 2 years, then 4 dog years per human year for each year after that. The conversion to gay years is similar but requires a bit of fuzzy math and lots of rainbow chalk. The basic system works like this:
Birth to 18 is just like str8 aging
From 18-25 1yr = 3.4 gay years
From 25-30 1yr = 6.4 gay years
30-45 reverse aging 3.9 gay yrs per yr
45-60 resume aging 2.8 gay yrs per yr
After 60 you resume str8 aging
All this talk of math makes me think of my intro to bio statistics profe
ssor Mr. Pacelli. With his wavy hair and scruffy beard he looked more like a rogue Irish poet than a math teacher but he had a great smile. Think Russell Crowe with glasses and one of those tweed jackets with the patches on the elbows. Hmm, I think I need some help after class with my ….uh …..homework or maybe some extra credit work…yeah that's it!
Why do gay men age differently from everyone else? Is it our free spirited nature or the lack of proper socialization in adolescent years and a focus on youth and good looks? Nah!
What if it’s the drag queens? I mean they’ve never done a study on what all that glitter flying through the air does to a person. It sticks everywhere, except on the queens, and you can’t get rid of it no matter how hard you try. Four years ago, I took my friend to a pageant at Alfred University and to this day there’s glitter in my car. It’s like fairy dust from hell!
Then again it could have something to do with unresolved crushes on handsome charismatic authority figures. Perhaps I’d better get my math tutoring from a fellow Piscean like Albert Einstein. Ruled by the sea, Pisceans are ever changing creatures subject to the ebb and flow of their emotions. We’re hailed as gifted, creative, spiritual individuals who possess an intuitive sense of what others need and an acute instinct for beauty in nature as well as the arts. At the same time we can also be overly sensitive dreamers with lofty goals who are easily mislead because of our perpetually trusting nature. Like anything else it’s all about balance. After all there are many famous Pisceans like George Washington, Alexander Graham Bell and Nat King Cole just to name a few. Without us no one would be chatting on the phone about how unforgettable Ace Young was on American Idol last week. Now if only he was gay!
My best friend says that I tell stories the same way I drive. I like to take the scenic route although usually we get a little lost along the way. We may pick up passengers or make side trips. There will probably be some racy moments and I sometimes forget to signal. Therefore it’s not always for the faint of heart. I don't always remember where I’m going but fear not we'll end up somewhere and once we get to our destination you'll definately be glad you came along for the ride because it’s always an adventure.
One other thing about my stories, for some reason they do tend to make people say “What next?” I’m not really sure but if the next 28 years are anything like the first I know it won’t be boring. Oh and in case any of you are wondering I may be 64 in gay years but I did manage to blow out all the candles on my birthday cake. What did I wish for…well I can’t tell you or it won’t come true…but rest assured I had something in mind…
When It’s Uncool To Be You
Lessons from a telemarketing transsexual waitress…
Every time I go on a field trip with my best friend woodchuck adventures abound. It doesn’t matter where we are and I’m not quite sure why but somehow we always seem to find them. This pre-birthday outing to Syracuse was a mild one to say the least but still a lot of fun. Originally this was going to be a day trip to see Trans America until I realized that I’d underestimated the driving distances by an hour each way. Okay, so I tend to be a little geographically challenged…Instead, we decided to stay overnight so I booked a hotel online. I confess I’m a bit of a Priceline.com junkie. I like to think of myself as a frugal traveler who just likes a good deal. You’d be amazed at what I can do with three days off, $200 and twenty minutes on Priceline. I can give it up any time, just one more destination *twitch* really *twitch* I swear *twitch*. This was almost an adventure that never was, due to some last minute lake effect snow. But, being the persevering homo that I am, I figured the hotel was booked and my AAA membership was paid up, what the heck. Besides, if we got stuck maybe the tow truck guy would be hot!
After an even longer drive than anticipated we got to the Hawthorn safe and sound only to amazed when we walked in. The outside of the hotel looked bland and uninspired but once you’re inside it’s a whole different story. What they listed as a 3 star hotel turned out to be a diamond in the rough. An elegant lobby, open bar and friendly staff were all very nice but what impressed me was their rooms. I booked their basic room which turned out to be 3 room suite with 2 flat screen TV’s and a stocked kitchen. It more than made up for our snowy start. We were both getting hungry, but with only an hour before the movie we decided to head over to the theater and see what was close by. The Westcott Cinema was the only place showing Trans America outside of The Little here in Rochester. Not being familiar with the area I was a little concerned about finding a place to eat but there was this neat little Greek place right near the theater with great food. Everything was working out so well, with so little planning, we were pretty jazzed by point. The theater itself was quaint and actually pretty large for a one screen cinema. The movie was good but confusing and at the end I wasn’t sure what we were supposed to learn from the telemarketing transsexual waitress or her pornstar son. We both loved her neurotic family though. After the movie we decided to go out checkout the local nightlife. My best friend had some guys he wanted to meet and apparently it just happened to be the local leather night, go figure. 
There was a little snag in our run of good luck when it took us a half hour to get to Spirits, only 3 miles from the theater. Remember, I’m geographically challenged, even with directions. Things quickly fell back into place once we found the bar. I loved how much more of a mix the crowd was than in the Rochester scene. Some preppy types, leather guys, lesbians and oddly enough quite a few transsexuals. The first guys we met were a couple, that thought we were a couple, who tried to pick us up. It was a shame because the dark haired one was cute! The evening mellowed out after that. Well mostly…they had a few different on stage activities including a best piercing contest(no I didn't enter) and they were auctioning off single guys(yes I tried to enter my best friend). There was even a ’best chest’ contest that we didn’t realize until too late was for the lesbians. One minute they’re all dancing, the next there’s boobies everywhere. They found out it was my birthday and I got a big girl glass, gotta love gay bars. The crowd stayed pretty much until the end of the night and so did we. For the most part we stayed out of trouble *wink* and got to meet some cool people.
Sunny Morning by Marianne Vinich
The next morning the sun was shining and the hotel had a fabulous complimentary full breakfast, with made to order omelets. Not being able to pass that up, there we were hangovers and all, surrounded by cheery morning types. They happily chittered on about their plans for the day, while we discussed transgender issues and the inordinate amount of cleavage exposed the night before. It finally hit me while thinking about the different people hanging out. Each group was doing their own thing, not caring who else was there and yet they were all having fun together. The characters in the movie were finally happy once they stopped trying to be what they thought they needed to be for other people and followed their own heart. For a movie where so much could've gone wrong it deserves a lot of credit for consistently staying away from typical pitfalls and clichés. I was a little disappointed that they ended the story where they did. It’s ok though because I know that the story continues when Toby wins a telemarketing sales contest and receives a veterinary scholarship to Pima Medical Institute, at which point Bree reunites with Fernando and they have a huge wedding, at which her obsessively doting semi-accepting mother incessantly cries through the whole thing, while her father tells dirty jokes to the alter boys. Over all I really enjoyed the film, I just wonder when my mom had time to be in a movie? For those of you still unsure of what a woodchuck adventure is, I'll explain it to you when you're older….
Waking Thoughts Of A Saturday Morning
Best friends, Brokeback Mountain and Snuggly Socks…
As I sip my first cup of Earl Grey, I’m excited about hanging out with my best friend today. We’re going to see Trans America as part of my pre-birthday festivities. We’re planning to make a day of it, movie, dinner and a night out on the town in Syracuse. To me, best friends are a lot like family, you can‘t choose them and they can get on your nerves but life‘s better with them. Friends are there when you’re nice, popular, funny and successful. Good friends are there when you‘re unsure, struggling, melancholy and just holding on. Best friends are there when you’re a jerk, anti-social, bitchy and a failure. I’m not perfect, although he says I act like it sometimes, and neither is my best friend. We both have been through rough spots in life, had fights and even not talked to each other, that doesn’t last very long he’s best friend I HAVE to talk to him. You probably will point out their mistakes when you don’t like what they’re doing, but you also point out their virtues when they can’t see them. I’ve heard my best friend be funny, even though he pretends he isn’t. I’ve seen him be caring, even though he tries to hide it. And, I know he’s talented, even though he tries to deny it. By the way, he’s single if any of y’all out there are looking.
I’ve heard good things about Trans America, although I don‘t know more than the basic storyline. Some have said it’s better than Brokeback Mountain. When I first saw a poster for Brokeback, the one of young Jack and Ennis in front of the mountain with the quote ‘love is a force of nature’, I thought wow I have to see this movie. After reading some reviews my interest cooled for a bit. I was worried that it was going to be campy or stereotypical. Gay movies rarely thrill me. There‘s been one or two along the road. I thought Mambo Italiano was funny and although I liked it I just couldn’t take another Connie and Carla. I finally saw Brokeback at Christmas when my best friend came to visit me in Houston. There were parts of the movie that bothered me at first, but after thinking about it I realized why they had to be that way. All in all I thought it was a great movie and I loved it. I even went out the next day to buy the soundtrack. I could say that it was a great movie because of the acting or the cinematography, which is obvious from the Academy Awards and Oscar nods, or that it was great because it advanced the ‘cause’ but that’s not why. It made me cry, both in the theater and talking about it on the way home, though probably not for the reason you think. Yes the ending was sad, but I knew that was coming, it had to be. People are inspired by happily ever after but they identify with heartbreak. Like a Greek tragedy, both of the heroes had unique character flaws that naturally caused the mistakes that lead to their end. You know what you want to happen but you can feel what’s going to happen. Unlike perfect characters making bumbling mistakes that feel forced or contrived, Brokeback felt real. I saw parts of myself and my best friend in both Jack and Ennis. Okay maybe I’m more Jack and he’s more Ennis, but not 100%.
If you take the gay-glasses off for a minute, *ouch bright light*, you realize that everyone, gay or straight, can see pieces of themselves there. The classic story of unrequited love, whether it’s station, money, age, race or sex, it doesn’t matter what causes society to reject their love. It’s about the true love, failure to reach for love no matter what the cost and love lost. Brokeback Mountain is simply Romeo and Juliet, a universal theme made fresh, and that’s what makes this a great movie. There’s so much more than what was in the short story that I can’t wait for the book. Okay, now put your gay glasses back on*ah that’s better*. What do I say to gay critics who think Brokeback didn’t do enough to advance the cause? In 1967, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner used comedy to make people reconsider interracial prejudice. In 2006, Brokeback Mountain uses tragic love and challenges you to think about homosexual prejudice, what other movies out there today are doing that?
At this point you’re probably wondering ‘so where do snuggly socks come in?’ They were on my mind this morning too. It was cold here this morning. Now on my second cup of tea, I have to tell you I’d forgotten how cold. Thank God for warm snuggly socks. I’ll admit I have a bit of a sock fetish(no not like that!) I think it comes from a combination of being gay and having worked for a sporting goods company. You don’t really know what socks are until you go into a sporting goods store. A
ll different types for all different activities. Of course my gay clothing gene kicks in and I want them all, in all the colors the come in! Before you ask, the ones I grabbed this morning do match my PJ’s. Yes, I do wear pajamas but that’s a discussion for another day…
