Archive for May, 2006
Sexy is being you!
Recently, I came across an edition of Harriette Cole’s Sense & Sensitivity column where a reader writes in with a dilemma about meeting guys.
She apparently has a best friend who no man on the face of the planet can resist. She describes her as “drop-dead-gorgeous, smart, sweet and beautiful“. Inexorably, anytime they go out all the guys choose her best friend over her and she’s left standing there.
As guys, we can all relate to with the friend who has that perfect gym body, rugged masculine look or retains his youthful appearance even though he's over 30.
I myself am in no way model material. I’m just naturally gregarious and I like to flirt. For that reason alone, many times I find myself the center of attention. On more than one occasion, my best friend has accused me of being the ‘pretty girl’. So naturally I couldn’t wait to hear Harriette’s response.
What I found was a very little sensitivity and very little sense. Most of the advice revolved around the reader staying away from her hot friend. She advised the reader tell her friend when she’s interested in someone and then not stand too close to her friend or go out with friends who aren‘t competition.
Basically the very polite equivalent of ‘you’re not good enough to stand next to the pretty people’.
First of all it’s got nothing to do with the friend. If it wasn't the friend who was more physically attractive someone else in the bar would be. I think the true problem lay elsewhere.
The reader says in her letter, she says “[I] pointed him out to my girlfriend,” the letter continues with a key line, “We exchanged positive body language, and I built up the courage to call him over”.
She already knew he was interested and yet she had to ‘build up courage’ to talk to him. Could it be insecurities vs. inadequacies that are the problem?
I can’t tell you how many of my friends see a hot guy and convince themselves that he’d never be interested in them so they can’t talk to him. At that point they get way too nervous to do anything other than make eye contact and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You can’t expect to get attention if you’re standing there turning into a shrinking violet. I understand that it is hard to be outgoing when you’re not comfortable in your own skin but, no one is perfect.
If you’re not happy with your appearance change it. Go to the gym, go tanning, dye your hair, have your teeth whitened. Looks aren’t everything, but if the change makes you feel better about yourself and it’s safe, go for it!
When it’s something immutable, like age or height, you just have to get over it. Those are the things that make you… well… you! Contrary to what the advertising media wants you to believe everyone does not have the same standard of beauty.
Personally, I’m 28 but I like the bear guys in their 40’s or 50’s. My best friend is 37 and likes the GQ look on guys in their late 20’s or 30’s.
There’s only one truth you need to remember when it comes to meeting people and getting attention.
It’s proven that both sexes are biologically attracted to certain facial characteristics and many people are focused on the current ideal of physical beauty but, genuine self-confidence, more than any other attribute is sexy.
How else do you explain all of the politicians, actors, salesmen and average folks who people are drawn to despite obvious deviation from that current popular concept of physical perfection.
If you learn to like who you are people will notice. Relax, smile and let the real you shine through. Next time you see a hot guy don‘t let someone else get all the attention.
Go up to the him and just say hi, make small talk. Sometimes being genuine is the best way of flirting.
What’s the worst that’s going to happen? They’ll be rude and ignore you or make some snarky comment. If that’s the case, I say F ’em. Now you know that person is an idiot and you can move on to the next!
Don’t read too much into newspaper rituals
Each morning during breakfast my dad would read the paper. He’s not exactly a morning person. Around the time he finished reading the paper cover to cover would be the time he was awake. People talking never bothered him but he didn’t like to talk until he was done. A foolish expectation, to say the least, at my mom’s breakfast table. Inevitably my mom would pose numerous questions during this time, regarding his schedule for day and their plans for the week, which he would respond to with sighs and grunts. According to her, this daily ritual still continues at my parents house. I think he’s just learned to tune her out over the years. Like dad, I read the paper during breakfast but I’ve also inherited my mom’s affinity for morning chatter. It just seems like such a good time to plan!
Before I can read the paper I have to filter and rearrange it, for optimal reading enjoyment. The process is quite simple. I scan each section’s front page for items of interest. Any that qualify get stacked to the side. I save the Living(lifestyle) section for last. It’s cover gets turned inside out and is added to the stack. The insert from the living section goes on top pile, back page face up. Now I’m ready to read the paper. If you’re thinking Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you should see what I do to the Sunday edition. Besides starting with horoscopes makes more sense. What could possibly be more important than knowing you’re going to be hit by a bus today? Not that I believe in that stuff. *wink*
Yesterday, while having my OCD moment, I came across an advice column that caught my eye. It was a syndicated column by Harriette Cole titled Sense & Sensitivity. The D&C headed this edition as “Step away from the shadow of pretty”. The reader’s letter was quite interesting although I didn’t agree with Harriette’s advice…
PDA – Problem Daters Anonymous
“Gay men don’t date.”
“What’s a date?”
“Guys just want sex.”
I hear that from guys all the time and yet I find it very hard to believe. Webster’s defines a date as: A social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character. Catching a movie, going to dinner and even a visit to a coffee shop are all things that gay men do with men that they have a romantic interest in and as such qualify as dates. Straight people go on dates, fall in love and even get married(don’t get me started on that). Last time I checked, we were all part of the human race(well most of us). Why should it work for them and not us? We’ve established that gay men go on dates but do they know how to date(verb i.e. dating)? No. Adolescence is when straight people start dating and make the typical blunders of the young. They enter adulthood ready to explore deeper relationships, secure in the knowledge of their experience. Most gay men enter adulthood not having learned those lessons. Coincidentally, this may explain why many act like teenage girls. If we were in high school having a different boyfriend every week would be considered a learning experience. Instead, we see it as the failure to find a life partner. How do we as gay men deal with a problem? Like the line in Party Monster, "So you've got a hump, just throw some glitter on it and go dancing." (I warned you about that darned glitter). Fear not! I've decided to start a support group for guys like us Problem Daters Anonymous(PDA). How do you know if it's time to join PDA? Check to see if you fit one of these descriptions:
The Hook-up Artist~ this guy goes on date(s) and if his companion is attractive, muscular, has a large endowment and I don’t mean trust fund, or if he’s horny enough, he proceeds to seduce them into what inevitably becomes a one night stand, Signs that you're a H/A include: you're good with names(or faces but hey it was dark!), at dinner it's normal to ask 'you a top or a bottom' over the salad and 'how hung are you' during the main course, if you're still there, which is of course dependant on the first answer
The Playah~ somewhat like the hook-up artist, this guy goes on dates with the intent of finding an attractive man to have a sexual relationship with two key differences his standards are usually higher and he is more likely to continue seeing the person as a friend(with bennies) or as part of his harem of boyfriends, Signs that you may be a playah include: a very full social calendar, dating men 15+ yrs your junior and to you 'quality time' is best spent with a fag hag
The Serial-Monogamist~ the polar opposite of the first two although equally as dangerous, he doesn’t go on dates he goes husband hunting, you know the joke ‘What does a Lesbian bring on the second date? A U-Haul’ that is the serial-monogamist, he may ’hook-up’ along the way but that’s not his goal, his standards relate more to emotional qualities rather than physical attributes, a few dates with an acceptable candidate are needed and he’s in love, met his Mr. Right and swearing off all other men forever (note: these guys are near and dear to my own heart as I was, and to an extent still am, a part of this group) Signs that you are an S/M include: Your ex's out number the population of Luxembourg!
Not all gay men fall into those categories and more often than not it’s a combination of two or even all three but you get the idea. If you’re saying to yourself “Oh no! He’s just described my social life for the past ten years, what do I do now?” Here are some easy to follow rules that we at PDA recommend for going on better dates and healthier dating.
Date guidelines:
1. You won’t find Mr. Right looking in the wrong place, bars pose too many challenges(see step #3) and online dating services have yet to reach any level of quality(let’s not discuss gay.com)
2. Be genuinely interested in the person, don’t go out with someone just to go on a date or because they have a hot body/job/car/house/boat.
3. Choose your activity wisely, forget ‘meeting out for drinks’ and try your favorite coffee spot instead, cocktails can ease first-date jitters but may make him seem more desirable than he is, making that end of the night rendezvous harder to resist. A blind-date or first time meeting? Go for lunch, it’s a great low pressure and has a clearly defined ending.
4. Be honest, with yourself by knowing what you want and with your date by being yourself .
5. Be polite/tactful, he may not be your Mr. Right nor you his but you never know if a friend might be.
6. Do not hook-up, whether he sweeps you off your feet or it’s just ‘been awhile’, this is a pitfall most of us face as alluded to in step #3 and I can not stress enough the importance of this one, if he’s ‘the one’ there will be another chance, if he’s not you’ll be glad you didn’t.
About Dating:
1. If you’re seeing more than one person you are still ‘going on dates’ rather than dating, as such rule #5 from Date Guidelines still applies.
2. Make the decision to stop going on dates with other people, if you can’t then you’re not that interested in him or you’re not ready, either way don’t waste your time and his.
3. Use this time to show each other who you are, dating doesn’t just mean going on multiple dates with one person, it’s about exploring the possibility of a relationship, so if you love flea markets ask him along one Sunday morning or if he’s into bungee jumping give it a shot(just make sure your insurance is paid up).
4. Pay attention, this is the time to notice quirks, he walks around in his bathrobe all day Sunday or has a really annoying laugh, you can’t change someone else so start learning to live with these now; and warning signs, he’s rude to your friends or criticizes everything that you do, these things don’t ‘get better with time’ they usually become more intense as your relationship does
5. Let nature take its course, as Diana Ross's mama said “You can't hurry love, No, you'll just have to wait, She said love don't come easy, It's a game of give and take” and don't hold back either "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." Good advice from that crotchety old homo, Mark Twain.
Those are my twelve steps to recovery for problem daters. Yes, I know there’s only eleven. The first step is admitting that you have a problem. Please remember that a relationship has to evolve, takes time and effort, doesn’t happen overnight and isn’t always going to be perfect. There are many stages and although everyone is different some things are universal. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. That being said, I realize that old habits die hard. I have a date tonight myself and I’ve already broken 4 of the first 6 rules. We’ll see if I can keep from breaking the other two tonight…
