My mom’s always been a night owl. She liked to catch up on housework and cooking at night when it was quiet. Growing up I remember staying up with her when I didn’t have school or wasn’t feeling well.

Being Italian, there would usually be a snack of some sort involved. Mom was never one to stick to rules when it came to food. It was her belief that if you were hungry you should eat what you felt like eating. A late night snack could range anywhere from a piece of cake to fried spaghetti. No matter what other chores she was doing, mom was always cooking, so there was plenty to choose from.

Dad was always in bed at a reasonable hour, even when he didn’t have to work, but sometimes he would get up and have a snack with us. Other than that, it was just mom and me. We talk about all kinds of things, sometimes about what was going on at school or work but usually she’d tell us about news or stories from our aunts, uncles and cousins.

Tonight, I took a nap after diner, so I was still wide awake at eleven. I went downstairs thinking I’d throw in a load of laundry and get a bottle of water. Mom was watching TV and Dad was snoozing in his recliner. Mom mentioned that she was kinda hungry and of course after she mentioned it so was I.

While I was in the basement putting the clothes in the washer, I rummaged around in the freezer and found a package of ‘Lobster For You’ appetizers. Let’s see, bacon wrapped lobster bits, sounds like a nifty snack to me. I’d actually forgotten about them. I bought them a few weeks ago at Wal-Mart. That’s right, I said Wal-Mart. For all its evils, Wal-Mart has a nifty frozen seafood selection.

I popped these enticing little lobster bites in the broiler and set about getting some little plates and dipping bowls (you can’t have lobster without melted butter!) Soon, the smell of bacon and broiled lobster filled the house. They were ready just in time for Rachel Ray’s $40 a day episode in Ashville NC.

Mom and I watched Rachel, during the commercials we chatted about work and my plans for my day off tomorrow. Dad snoozed away in his recliner. Oh well, more lobster for us. And, let me tell you it was delicious, like something you’d get in a restaurant. That’s pretty amazing considering it came from a freezer case at Wal-Mart.

Our late night bite was really nice. Life has been so crazy lately that it feels like I’m constantly rushing through one day in order to be ready for the next. We haven’t had many of those moments since mom got sick.

Things have just been different. She’s been different. I worry a lot about that. It’s hard dealing with all of it. I’ve come to realize that she’s never going to get better. There are ways to ease the symptoms of CHF and COPD but there’s no way to cure it. We don’t talk about that, like many things we don’t talk about in my family, but it’s true none-the-less. That in and of itself is hard to accept but the fact is mom hasn’t been the same ever since she got sick.

(Sorry, I didn’t intend for this to be this long or this deep both for your sake and mine. There are a couple tears in my eyes now and it’s already late so I might as well keep going.)

It has been a tough year for her and I’m sure she’s depressed. I thought for a while it was just the depression but it feels like it’s more than that though. Her personality has changed. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s as if the Mom I used to know is gone and I don’t know where she went. She’s definitely not the same person I left when I went to Texas.

I’m thankful that she’s still alive and I’m glad I came back from Houston as soon as I did. Sometimes I wonder though if things would’ve been different if I’d come back sooner or hadn’t left at all. I remember a phone conversation a couple months before I moved back that was a little off. At the time, I thought it was just me, but now I wonder. If I’d come home quicker or pushed my Dad would it have made a difference?

I put my life on hold for the past year and I’m ok with that. Recently, I’ve been talking to my best friend about moving sometime in the next two years. I figure that should be enough time to know if Mom’s condition is stable or if I need to stay. The other thing is what would happen to my Dad if he out-lives Mom? I never even thought I’d have to worry about either one of them this soon in my life, let alone Dad being the one left behind. Truth be told, I’d never thought about their mortality at all before last year.

With Mom it would’ve been no question, I’m sure she’d come to where ever I was. I’m not sure about my Dad though. There’s no other family. My best friend thinks I should talk to him about it and maybe I will when the time to move actually comes, but how do you have that conversation? He has just as much going on as (if not more than) I do.

Couple all this with work drama, a changing circle of friends and my own idiosyncrasies and it’s a little over-whelming, even for me.